Chemical Reactions
by lover-singer
Summary: Experimenting isn’t easy. With all the possible chemical reactions and possible affects on the one’s body, mind, and soul, it’s one crazy concoction. Can the right ingredients and just the right stirring about make this chemical reaction positive? Slash
1. Chapter 1

A/N:PG-13/Teen. I don't own any of these characters. Some mentions of drugs, swearing, and male/male pairings.

Experimenting isn't easy. With all the possible chemical reactions and possible affects on the one's body, mind, and soul, it's one crazy concoction. Can the right ingredients and just the right stirring about make this chemical reaction positive?

…………….

Chapter One

Being Harry Potter's best mate is… difficult. With all the stuff we go through every year, I'm surprised at the shape Hermione's in (she'd kill me if she read that). From day one, I had a feeling about Harry. That somehow, we'd be together no matter the thickness or thinness of the situation. Funny how I never thought about how deadly serious the next problem would be.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think of Harry as a problem to be dealt with. I need him as much as he needs me. I know he needs me because he won't talk anymore. He's more withdrawn. And, crazy as it seems, I noticed that he's changed… In appearance I mean. In seventh year, he lost the glasses and got contacts, started wearing darker clothing (which I noticed were new), let his hair grow so it covered forehead and most of his eyesight. Also, much to the surprise of half of the school, he started bringing his own music from muggles and started to wear dark eyeliner around his eyes. He had charmed a CD player to play in Hogwarts, and was constantly with headphones near his ears, except when in classes. Even then, he seemed to be in his own world. Harry also looked weaker. His hands would shake, and he seemed to just be a stick figure (even more of one than before puberty hit him).

Sadly enough, Ferret noticed Harry's withdrawal before I did. He approached me and Hermione after a potions lesson that Harry had walked swiftly away from before I could catch him.

"Granger, Weasley." He had greeted, nodding. I looked at Hermione, a frown coming to my face.

"Can I help you, Malfoy?" I asked a little irritated all ready because of Harry leaving.

"No… But I think you two need help." Malfoy stopped there, glancing up and down the corridor, eyeing stragglers from the last class. Hermione stayed silent, thinking. I, on the other hand, exhaled impatiently.

"What do you think we need help with? Stuffing your ass into a—?" Malfoy cut me off, saying,

"No, Weasley. You have your head stuck so far up your ass, you can't even see—!" This time, Hermione cut into the sentence.

"Enough! Yes, Malfoy. I did notice. Harry's being… He's not himself... He barely even looks at us… If he does it seems…" Hermione's eyes misted and I stared at the both of them.

"What are you talking about? What's up with Harry?" I couldn't really place my emotions then. Malfoy exhaled and said quietly.

"Weasley… Something's wrong. I don't know how you can't see it… You're his best friend! …Potter needs something… Someone." He stared at me. I didn't know then, but Malfoy was telling me what I needed to do. Like I said, I didn't know then. After that conversation, I took to watching Harry more. Observing the ingredients, you could say. Finally, I figured out what had to happen. I had to get closer.

One night, before Seamus, Dean, and Neville were in our dorm, I followed Harry up to our dorm, not even looking at anyone else as I made my way up there. I don't even think Harry knew I was following him. When I got into our dorm, I thought that Harry'd put on his dad's cloak to hide from me. I swallowed, looking around, and I whispered out his name. When no answer came, I called again, a little louder. I listened for a moment, and heard shuffling in the bathroom. Slowly I made my way to the door, stopping to listen for a moment. The shuffling came again and then something clinked to the ground. I could hear heavy breathing and I swallowed again. I twisted the door knob, entered having my guard up.

There Harry was, huddled against the wall, shivering and sweating, one sleeve scrunched up past his elbow, and just below his elbow were several scratches and punctures, and some scars appeared there as well. On the floor by his feet was a needle, a bag of a white substance, a spoon, and a plastic thing, and what looked like a tie. Harry looked to me, but I wasn't sure if he even saw me. Harry looked down again, shivering. I eyed the white substance again, wondering if that was what made him shiver like that. I moved closer to him, and sat next to him. He wouldn't stop shivering. He looked towards me, brow sweating and lips trying to form words.

I could only shake my head. He moved forward suddenly (So suddenly I was afraid there was something wrong), and grabbed his knees up to his chest for support. He kept shivering though. There was a small space between the wall and him, so I slowly moved behind him, and wrapped my arms around him. His shivering intensified and I grew scared. Harry let go of his knees and they dropped down, his hands grasping at my arms. I moved the slightest and he grabbed around my upper wrist, nails digging into my skin. It did hurt, I won't lie, but I didn't make a sound. This was about Harry's pain. His shivering continued and his sweating made me sure he'd be dehydrated beyond help, but I held him close to me. So close that it almost seemed like we were just one body. He was shivering and I was too. His brow was covered in sweat, and I broke out in a sweat.

After a while, I couldn't tell you how long it took for Harry to stop shivering, I don't know myself, and we just sat there, him breathing softly and me barely breathing at all. My arms began to regain feeling, and he began to stir in my arms. The side of his head had been resting on my forearm since he stopped shivering, and I felt his eyelashes graze my skin as his eyes opened. I licked my lips and let out a shaky breath, not knowing exactly why I did so. Harry's warm breath tickled across my arm as well, and I waited.

"Ron?" He croaked out. I cleared my throat as quietly as I could, but my voice still came out in a small whisper.

"Yeah?" Harry's face changed to one of relief.

"How are you, Ron?" Harry asked, he smiling into my skin.

"I'm okay, Harry. What about you?" I found myself asking, as if what had just occurred between us was the most normal thing in the world.

"A little breathless, but otherwise I'm good." When Harry said 'breathless', his breath whispered across my skin again and the hairs on the back of my neck rose. I whispered out a "Yeah," and leaned against the wall, looking to the ceiling. Harry still held onto my arm, but not with white knuckles as he had before.

Finally, I whispered out, "Harry?"

"Yes, Ron?" He replied. I swallowed and asked,

"What is that stuff for?" Harry allowed a small chuckle to escape and then sobered.

"They're drugs, Ron. This is Cocaine. If you add water to the powder and warm it on the spoon, you can put it in the needle, syringe yourself up and inject it into your vein… And it makes your troubles go away." It was like a robot the way Harry said it. Somehow these drugs didn't sound like a good idea. But I didn't let on to Harry that I thought that. I needed him to talk to me. So I nodded and said,

"Okay… Are you ready for bed?" I sounded like my mother! But Harry nodded into my arm, mumbling something. So I untangled my arm from around him and watched him gather his stuff and stuff it into his jeans. He gave me a small smile and led the way out, still a bit shaky on his feet, but I didn't help him. No one had come up, so I hurriedly got dressed for bed, and made sure Harry was all right and in bed. I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. That night I dreamed about the Forbidden Forest and how Harry had got me away from all those spiders. I'm not sure why.

…………

The next week I caught him doing cocaine once, and that weekend, I went to the library on a Hogsmeade day. Hermione eyed me like I'd gone crazy, and Harry just shrugged it off, taking Hermione around the shoulders and leading her to Honeydukes. As I roamed the many shelves, looking though the Muggle Studies section, I grabbed many books. _Drugs_, _Effects of Street Drugs_, and even one entitled, _Sexuality: Wizard and Muggle Alike Question Preferences_. I didn't know at the time why, but now I'm glad I did.

I chose a table at the back of the room, as far away from the other students that loitered the library as I could. I looked through the Index of the book _Drugs_ first, finding cocaine and its page number. I turned to the page and pulled out my piece of parchment and ready-script quill (Hermione had bought it for me for a birthday. It never runs out of ink and I'm thankful for it!). I read through the first paragraph, scribbling down some useful information. Then, I turned to the _Effects of Street Drugs_ book. It was basically the same as the other book, but I scribbled some other things down, noting that some drugs such as Nicotine and Alcohol were called gate way drugs, meaning they just opened up gates to more drugs such as Cocaine. I took note to look for either of these around Harry.

Finally, I was left with the _Sexuality_ book. I stared at the cover for a moment, before I opened it to the introductory paragraph. I read the first sentence or two, before turning to the Table of Contents. Sexuality hadn't really been a question before then, and I was nervous. I mean, Charlie, my brother is gay; I've even met some of his boyfriends. But I never really considered it before that I may have been homosexual. The library door banging open drew my attention away from the book towards the front of the library. There stood Malfoy, apparently he'd come back from Hogsmeade early. I cursed lowly and hurried to gather my things, closing the books and putting them back on the shelves. Just as I had put the _Sexuality_ book back where it belonged and stuffed the parchment and quill into my pocket, I turned around and ran head on into Malfoy. He looked to the book I'd just put back and grinned.

"Have a question about yourself, Weasel? Falling for one of your dorm mates?" He asked, sneering. I glared and pushed him aside.

"You know what, Ferret? Mind your own business and maybe look at the dog you're dating before you make fun of me being gay." I didn't even realize I'd said that until an hour or so laying in my bed in the dorm. I felt remorse, and thought about how I'd be ridiculed for the next month or so, by telling him I was gay. I didn't even think I was gay yet, and there I was, telling my enemy that I was homosexual.

As I thought about the stupid thing I'd said, someone entered the dorm, but I didn't look up. I was staring at the ceiling, and suddenly, there he was, standing above me grinning. "Heya Ron! Bought you something! Open it!" He held a bag over my face, swinging it back and forth. I grinned with him, forgetting about the things that I'd looked for in the library.

"All right, all right Harry! Keep your pants on, mate!" I looked inside the bag and gasped at what I saw. There was a small jewelry box and when he opened it for me, I saw a gold chain, and on that chain there was gold lion that roared and moved quietly. I smiled a wide smile. "Harry, mate… You shouldn't have…" I whispered, not moving to take the necklace. I sensed Harry's grin.

"Aw, but Ron, I saw it and it was you… It's not too gay, is it?" He asked, and I could feel his uncertainty. I looked him in the eye, still smiling.

"Nah. It's perfect." I whispered, taking the necklace shakily from his hand. Harry grinned again and watched me put it on my neck. The lion made itself comfortable on the center of my collar bone and yawned. I grinned again, liking the feel of gold on my skin. Harry smiled at my grin and crumpled the paper bag.

"Hermione kept asking whom I bought it for… I just told her it was a friend…" Harry told me, and I wondered what Hermione would think if I told her I was the friend. I watched Harry change from a dark sweater to a wife beater, that was a simple black and his black pants sagging slightly I could see his boxers that were a bright green. I grinned at that, but tried my hardest not to stare. Suddenly I bent down and dug under my bed, bringing out a chess board with some chess pieces. Harry saw them and grinned, coming to sit at the end of my bed, expectantly.

I gave him his pieces and began to set up mine, hearing the whispers of the chessmen. I stared at the ebony queen as I sat her down in her place and she glared at me, before I set her down. I waited for a moment as Harry placed his last piece and surveyed the board. Finally Harry said an order to a white pawn and it slipped forward two spaces. I told one of my pawns to slip forward a space… And Hermione came in.

"Hi, boys! Ron… I want your help with something, can you come down with me to the library?" Hermione asked, seeming to plead. I looked to Harry and Harry shrugged.

"Do you need my help at all?" He asked, and Hermione smiled.

"Thanks, Harry, but no thanks. As I recall, you still have some potions homework, and Ron got his done today… Isn't that right, Ron?" She looked to me, and I nodded, but I didn't tell Harry I had a blank parchment with the heading _Wolfsbane Potion and its Ingredients_ in my potions book. Harry sighed.

"All right, we'll continue our game another time, shall we?" Harry asked, taking the board and stuffing it under my bed, careful not to disturb any of the pieces. I nodded, standing to follow Hermione. I looked back to see Harry watching me.

No he couldn't have been watching me. Perhaps _we_, as in Hermione and me. But not just me.

…………


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I do not own any of thesecharacters. Some mentions of drugs, swearing, and slash male/male pairings.

Chapter Two

Finally, Hermione and I were in the library. She led me to the very back, where some of the dorky witch romance novels were. I waited for her to say something, but she only stared. I raised an eyebrow and she sighed.

"I know you didn't come here to get homework done, today… What did you do?" She asked, her eyes pleading with me. I thought about it. I debated about it.

_On the one hand, she'd be a great help… _

_**Just like all the teachers, my mother, and my father… I can't do that to Harry. He needs a continuous cycle if he's going to stop his **addiction**…**_

_But you can't do this by yourself. Not effectively…_

_**I can. And I will.**_

That perhaps was one of my first mistakes where Harry was concerned. I looked Hermione in the eye, tried to clear my mind of any stray thoughts, and said, "How do you know I didn't do homework down here?" She gave me a look that clearly said, _'Just how stupid do you think I am?'_ I ignored her and said, "I did do homework." Hermione grinned.

"Can I see it then?" Oh, she's good. Course I knew that, I just didn't want to admit it.

"My, my, Hermione… Cheating off a fellow classmate? Didn't know you'd resort to this…" I trailed off and was delighted when she flushed.

"No, Ron! I just know that you didn't do homework! You are lying to me! And somehow I have a feeling it's about—" I cut her off.

"Merlin, Hermione, tell someone who cares, all right? I've got stuff to do, all right? I'll see you later…" With that, I turned away from her and walked away from the library. Within in moments, I seemed to open my eyes to see the tapestry that stood in front of the Room of Requirements. I paced three times in front of it, not really thinking at all, but none the less, a door appeared and I entered it. In the middle of the room, there was a bed and I laid down in it, staring at the ceiling. In a few minutes, tears came to my eyes, and I turned over on my stomach, muffling sobs into my pillow.

…………

A week or so after my fight with Hermione, she still wouldn't talk to me, and Harry would give me strange glances whenever she was around. I would ignore both of them. One night I sat in my bed for what seemed to be the five hundredth time that week, staring at the ceiling. Still, under my bed was that set up chess game, but Harry never asked about starting it again.

Again, Harry came in, standing in my line of vision. I stared up at him, and he stared back, his black eye liner smudged slightly and his hair blocking his beautiful eyes. He said nothing for a moment, but then held out a hand. I wordlessly took it, and he helped me up, bringing me into a hug. I hugged back, he only came to my shoulder and so he rested his head there, and I rested my head on his. Finally he pulled away and looked up at me. He had tears in his eyes and I did too, but I'm not sure why.

"I heard about your fight with Hermione…" He whispered. I nodded and broke eye contact for the first time. "Ginny told me Hermione wouldn't even talk to her… I-I think you should go make it better." I looked back to him. He looked sad, as if telling me that meant something horrible.

"Harry… I don't know how to make it better. I don't think I can do that without… hurting…" I trailed off, unsure about what I should say. I couldn't very well tell him about what I had done. What I planned to do. I'd already searched his trunk, looking for the gateway drugs, and found a pack of cigarettes. I'd thrown those away, and planned to go after his coke too. He looked at me, watching my every fidget.

"Hurting… Who would you hurt?" He asked. I closed my eyes and shook my head.

"Harry… I can't tell you. Please don't make me." I asked, tears coming to my eyes again. I squeezed them shut, feeling tears roll slowly down. Harry was silent for a moment, and I could feel the inner battle within him. Finally, he replied, saying,

"All right, Ron. But if something goes… You'll still talk to me right?" I looked to him, and he looked desperate. I nodded, a smile coming to my face (though it felt alien), replying,

"Of course, how could you ever think I'd stop talking to you?" I said, taking him into a one armed hug and leading him down to the common room. It was time for lunch any how. It was only seven at night,and I led him out, heading to the kitchens. He grinned when I tickled the pear and it gave a shrill giggle, opening to let us in. "That door is a bit smaller than I remember," I muttered, Harry chuckling and trying not to trip over the many house elves that had just swarmed us upon our entrance. I just asked for a drink of something while Harry muttered something to Dobby, he nodding and looking confused. Dobby muttered something to the other house elves and they nodded excitedly, rushing to the other end of the kitchen.

"What'd you tell them to do? They look like Christmas came early…" I looked to Harry. He grinned.

"You'll see…" He replied. The house elves came, holding a round plate of triangular pieces of dough, with cheese and some meat… "Pizza!" Harry said, offering the plate to me. I took one piece, eyeing it doubtfully. "It's more American, but it's still really good." Harry urged, some cheese hanging on his chin. I grinned and reached forward to grab the cheese, licking it off my fingers while staring at him. He stuck out his tongue and I grinned, chewing on my own pizza.

…………

After taking Harry's cocaine, I waited a week and watched him. He seemed jitterier than ever, always looking around, as if searching for something. He also skipped out on some of his lessons. One day, heading to the common room for my free period, I had a bad feeling. I stopped in the middle of the stairs leading to the seventh floor and stared up at the ceiling. When I got into the dorm I shared with Harry, I knew why.

He'd torn the place apart, bed hangings were separated from the beds, and most of his clothes along with some of the other's clothes were on the floor, turned inside out. I stayed silent by the door, watching him as he gave up and leaned against my bed, breathing out his nose. I stayed in my place, watching. Finally, he turned his head and looked at me, eyes wide. I took a deep breath and Harry whispered out,

"I can't find it anywhere… I need it, Ron… Help me find it!" He pleaded with me. I shook my head, every word he said bringing pain.

"Harry, it's gone. And I'm not helping you find something that is hurting you. No matter how much you beg." I whispered back. He stared at me. In a flash, he was on top of me, trying to choke me. I fought back, but it was a losing battle. He glared at me from his position.

"Give it back, Ron! Give it back now! I need it! I can't live… Give it!" He shook me, causing my head to hit the floor repeatedly. I couldn't breath, and my vision started to cloud…

And suddenly, a weight was lifted from my chest. Harry got off of me, sitting against my bed again, eyes closed. I lay there for a while, scattered papers and old robes underneath me. When I didn't see double anymore, I sat up and looked at Harry. He had been crying, and his body still shook from suppressed sobs. I crawled closer to him, sitting near him, so near I felt him breathe and his smell seemed to intoxicate me. I reminded myself to take another look at the Sexuality book.

Harry's eyes were closed and I sighed. "Let me help you Harry." I plead with him. He didn't stir or say anything. After what seemed hours, Harry whispered out incoherently. I leaned closer, "Excuse me?"

"You've all ready helped me, Ron." He whispered. I couldn't tell if it was sarcasm or not so I stayed quiet. "There's something wrong with me. I hate who I've become. I hate who I've been… I can't stand being expected to do so well just because I have a scar on my forehead. I can't stand _this_ anymore!" By the end of his rant, he was almost screaming. I grabbed his hand, squeezing it, willing all my strength into him.

"Harry… Harry, look at me." His green eyes met my own blue ones. They made me shiver. "We are going to help you… I am going to do whatever it takes, no matter the cost. I know I've been lousy in the past, but that's going to change. I'm going to help you. I have to help you. I… I can't loose you." I whispered this last part, still looking into his eyes. He looked away.

"You deserve better than me." He muttered to the floor. I brought my hand to his cheek, shaking my head as he met my eyes again.

"No. I could never find better, even if I went to different time periods, or searched the ends of the Earth. I would never find another Harry…" He smiled into my palm and I smiled back.

…………

I told Harry to tell me how he felt every morning, midday and early evening. Either in words or writing, I didn't care which. I also went to the library to read up on drugs and sexuality again. I read about withdrawals that Harry could have and that they were sometimes worse than the effects of the drug on the body. I decided it was time I made sure Harry ate three meals a day and start exercising a couple times a week. He agreed it was a good idea and we set up a routine.

Every morning, we got up talked about dreams and such while we dressed, jogged or ran around the quidditch pitch, ate breakfast, went to classes or hung out in the library catching up on homework, ate lunch wrote down something or talked about something, did more classes or hanging out, went to dorm to catch up on any homework or read, talk,

It worked out well for a while, until, somehow, someone sent him some drugs. If I ever find that someone, I'll kill them with my bare hands. I tried to get him to stop, but he started avoiding me. When I was in the same room, he'd get as far away as he could and ignore me. It killed me whenever I saw him, looking like someone had take something from him, his innocence or something. Finally, after a week or so, I'd had enough.

I found Hermione in the library, reading her _History of Magic_ book, scribbling something down occasionally. For a second, I debated on whether or not to go to her. Fooling myself into believing I could do it alone again. I looked at the parchment in my hands. It was the old one that I'd written on for Harry's sake. Thought about what I was about to tell her.

I slowly walked to her table and sat down silently, hesitantly. She didn't look up from her writing, but said quietly, "I was beginning to wonder if you ever would come over. You've been standing there pathetically for a while now…" She trailed off as she finished the sentence on her paper and looked up at me. Her chocolate eyes held little emotion and I swallowed.

"Hermione… I… I want to say I'm sorry for what I said before. I know you only wanted to help me… And now I really need your help." I whispered this out. She didn't reply so I glanced at her, wondering if she heard me. She nodded.

"What's wrong with Harry, Ron? And what's happened with you?" She asked, love and protection showing in her eyes. I smiled at her.

"Harry's addicted to cocaine. I wrote down stuff from a book I found, because I didn't know much about it," I shoved the paper towards her, "And I kind of had him feeling better… Then someone sent him more. He had written home to someone or something…" I muttered this angrily. Hermione read my messy scrawl for a moment, then looked at me.

"You know that you can get it here in the Wizarding world too, right? Maybe he found a dealer in Hogsmeade… I guess that really doesn't matter though. He's using again?" I nodded confirmation.

"And he won't talk to me… Or even look at me." I whispered, my fists clenching. I was so angry I couldn't stand it. So hurt I didn't think I could hold my composure much longer. Hermione seemed to know this, for she asked,

"Want to go on a walk?" I nodded and stood up, helping her gather her stuff.

…………

Hermione and I sat under our tree near the lake, I leaning against one side of the trunk, she right next to me, leaning next to me. "So, he's told you he's been using since this summer. About five months… Wow, I wonder if he's got any glamour on…" I looked sideways at her.

"Why would he have glamour on?" Hermione shrugged.

"Some drugs like that leave permanent scarring like scabs on your face, inside your mouth, on various parts of your body… Have you seen his arms?" She asked, I nodded, remembering the punctures, scratches, and scars there. She sighed. "I think…" She paused and looked at me, biting her lip.

"We need help, Ron. We can't do this by ourselves. Soon it will be Christmas Break… We could go to a London Clinic… No one he knows will be around, Ron. I know how you feel about that, I'm feeling it too. But Harry needs help that we don't know how to give…" She'd seen my anger, because she moved back, still uncertain. I looked away from her, thinking. She _was_ right… I just didn't want to… Let Harry go. I sighed, knowing that drugs do kill. Especially when you overdose to get the desired effect… Which I believed Harry would do to 'make his troubles go away.' Hermione noticed my trouble.

"Ron…" I looked to her, seeing her biting her lip again. I closed my eyes.

"Hermione… I love Harry. Love him so much it hurts. Even if he doesn't want me, I want him to have a life uncontrolled." I paused and looked to the lake. "How long do you think it will take him to get over his addiction?" Hermione exhaled.

"I don't know... that is for Harry to decide. He has to show the willingness to quit before I can even guess how long, Ron. I'm sorry." She added. I found myself nodding.

"We have to get him to that clinic." I murmured, looking to her again.

…………


	3. Chapter 3

_Seek Me! For comfort! Call Me! For Solace! I'll be waiting! Till the end of time! Broken Hearted! (The End of Heartache-Killswitch Engage)_

A/N: I do not own any of these characters. I do own the poem to Ron from Harry though, it's a segment out of my poem called Suicide.I do not own thelyrics to_TheEnd of Heartache_ by_Killswitch Engage._Some mentions of drugs, swearing, and male/male pairings.

...>...>...>...

Chapter Three

A couple of days before Christmas Vacation, I went up into our dorm, looking for Harry. I didn't see him anywhere. On my bed I found a parchment, so I picked it up to read it.

_Ron:_

_Do you feel this pain?_

_Do you scream in vain?_

_Do you see the unreal?_

_Have time to kill?_

_Do you feel your heart break like mine?_

_Wish to hold someone till the end of time?_

_Come seek me!_

_Too late, I can't see!_

_My breathing is getting slower…_

_My body into the ground you'll lower._

_You left me._

_**Now I leave you!**_

Harry's words chilled me and I pocketed the note, eyes wide. I went to his trunk, pulling the Marauder's Map, shakily telling it, "I solemnly swear I'm up to no good." I found Harry in the Astronomy Tower.

…………

Once I had made it to the last few stairs, leading to that damned tower, I yelled out his name, desperately trying to force myself through the door. I almost broke it off its hinges when I ran into the door. Harry was sitting on the ledge of the window, staring at me. On the floor was his stuff, and I gave an angry snarl. I moved slowly toward him, but stopped when I saw him edging closer off the edge. I cleared my throat.

"What are you playing at, Harry James Potter?" I asked, crossing my arms. He glared.

"Don't call me that." He snarled.

"What do I call you?" I retorted. He glared, but did not answer. Instead he said,

"Why did you leave me alone?" I could feel my face contort to disbelief.

"_Me_ leave _you_ alone? You're the one who avoided me!" I replied. I saw his feet inch closer to the edge and I shook my head. "No! Please… Please don't!" I plead, sinking down to my knees.

"You gave up on me…" Harry whispered, tears coming to his eyes. I could see his feet itch to move. I didn't move.

"I didn't know what else to do… I… didn't know how to approach you. I was afraid." I heard it, but didn't realize I'd spoken until I saw Harry come closer to me. He was off the ledge, but I stayed still. He had to prove that he wanted it.

"I'm sorry…" I said. "I'm so sorry." This time it was whispered, and tears overflowed onto my cheeks. I didn't know why I was crying. Harry should be the one freaking out. I was so scared to loose him, though. So scared that he'd leave me alone.

Finally, after what seemed an eternity, Harry was at my side. He didn't have the black make up on, and he was sweaty. I was still on my knees, afraid to get up, so my head was right by his stomach. My hands hung limply at my side, and his did too. Then they twitched and reached into my hair, mussing it up. I watched his face, as he kneeled down by me. My hand had found its way to his stomach and trailed up as he moved down. His hand was still tangled in my hair and I was pulling him closer by his shirt collar.

I could feel his breath on my cheek and my own breathing hitched, as his other arm wrapped around my neck. I stared hard into his eyes and leaned closer…

"HARRY! RON!" Someone screamed. My eyes snapped open and I stood, turning around so fast that I almost fell. Harry was still on the floor, arms hung limply at his sides. Hermione burst in the doorway, most out of breath and flushed. She held a parchment in her hand. I mentally smacked myself. I'd left the Marauder's Map on my bed, without clearing it. I couldn't even look at Harry. I'd let him down again.

Hermione sighed in relief, looking at the two of us, not jumping out a window. She caught her breath and then looked at Harry. "Harry… Ron and I think that you should try to get your addiction fixed at this London Clinic… We have all the information and we've all ready contacted them, telling them the situation, including the fact that you are a wizard and how we communicate… Differently than they do… We want to go with you to the clinic; we'll come during Christmas Break. They can help you so much better than we can." Hermione finished filling him in, but he never took his eyes off of me. I stared back, pain in my eyes. I saw anger in his.

…………

Harry had run straight to the dormitory when we entered the common room. Hermione seemed satisfied, but I knew that Harry was waiting for me. I turned to Hermione and bade her good night, telling her how tired I was.

I knew it was a mistake to say "…Get your addiction fixed…," I saw it right away in Harry's eyes. And when Hermione kept talking, Harry just looked at me, glaring. I knew it wasn't just because of the clinic thing. It was also because I'd let him down. I blew him off when he was most vulnerable. But I was vulnerable too.

When we almost… I could feel any security I had left disappear. At the same time, I felt like Harry could save me… Take care of me… And now that feeling was gone, along with his arms around me.

I made my way to our dormitory slowly. The other boys were in the room and I looked around. Seamus pointed to the lavatory. I nodded at him and swallowed as I crossed the room, the others watching me. I knocked and then entered, closing the door with a soft snap. The bathroom was dark, but it illuminated as soon as I entered. Harry was standing opposite of me, arms crossed. I opened my mouth, but he held up a hand, pulling out his wand at the same time. With a couple of choice words and flicks, Harry made sure our conversation or screaming match was private.

I looked at him, dismayed. He said nothing for a couple of minutes so I started out, "Harry, mate—" He cut me off.

"How could you do that to me behind my back?" He snapped. I shook my head.

"Harry… Hermione—" Again he cut me off.

"No. Not Hermione. You." I watched him for a moment. Then I nodded.

"You're right. Me. I screwed you over. I forced you to take those drugs. I forced you to get addicted. I forced you into a depression. I forced you to watch people die—" Harry had blanched, and he was shaking his head, remembering the deaths he'd witnessed. I went on. "—I forced you to get close to me… To run your hands through my hair… To-to…" I stumbled over my own words and looked away.

Harry came close to me, but I refused to let it happen again. I didn't think I could handle it if it turned out wrong and I hurt him again. I stopped him from reaching out to me. "Please, Harry. Let us take you to the clinic first. You can get better… and maybe I can fix myself too…" I muttered. Harry looked like he was going to speak, but I shook my head, continuing, "When you are at the clinic, I will write to you. If I can, visit. They'll help you with whatever you need… And like Hermione said, we fixed it so they knew what was going on… You'll still have lessons if you're up to it." I paused and watched Harry. "They're the best. Let them do what they do and help you."

Finally, after a couple painful moments of Harry staring at me, he nodded, looking away. My heart broke, and I felt like I'd let him down again. I felt tears come to my eyes, but I brushed them away impatiently and patted Harry once on the shoulder. Then, I left him in the bathroom. He came out when the rest of us were lying in our beds, hangings drawn. I heard him shuffle into some clothes and then pull open his own hangings and then close them again, obviously going to bed.

That night, I dreamed about Harry and the dragon he faced in fourth year.

…………

It was leaving day for Christmas Break, and Hermione, Harry, and I all sat in our little compartment, waiting for the train to move. I suddenly remembered the chess board still under my bed, no doubt collecting dust. We had each moved one piece and then shoved it under the bed to play later. I thought about later. Would it ever come? I was brought out of my thoughts when Hermione asked if we'd like to play exploding snap. I shrugged, and leaned in, Harry doing the same. I was sitting by him, and I could feel his skin against mine. I wondered if he noticed it too, but tried not to pay too much attention to it.

I never looked at the Sexuality book again. I knew I was in love with Harry. And I knew that if he didn't love me back, I'd never be the same again. While we played our game, I thought about how much I'd miss him. How the letters would never be enough. Today was the actual last day I'd see him for months (five months to be exact).

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	4. Chapter 4

A/N: I do not own any of the characters except Eve, Roger,Erin and Ian, but they're really no huge part in this, so whatever. Mentions of drugs, depression, swearing, and male/male pairings.

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Chapter Four

We helped Harry get settled. The room he was staying in was a plain gray, with a nice bed, and a nice table, and bare minimums for a room. I saw Harry eyeing the walls in distaste and decided I would try to send him some quidditch posters or pictures if I could. I had seen some in Diagon Alley. Hermione smiled a sad smile, her eyes misting up with fresh tears. It seemed she'd been crying all that day. Harry took her into his arms, and I smiled too. He did know that she loved him… It was just hard to tell sometimes. He whispered a thank you and a good-bye and released her, she walking slowly from the room. I watched her go, and then looked back to Harry. His eyes held tears, but I pretended I didn't see them, and took him in a one armed hug.

"I'll see you later, mate. If you ever need to, write, I'll always reply." He nodded and replied with his own,

"If you ever… you know." He shakily said this and I grinned.

"I know. I'll see you later. Be as good as you can!" I said, winking. He grinned. I turned around and was almost to the door, when I turned around to ask him something. The words died on my tongue however, when I saw him pulling out a picture frame. It held me, him, and Hermione, all in a group hug. We were all smiling and waving, and I almost started bawling. That had been a long time ago. I noticed that Hermione still had her buckteeth, so it was probably early fourth year. After fourth year, we just sort of stopped smiling. My knees began to shake, but I turned around again, and left Harry's room.

…………

_January 15, 1997_

_London Clinic_

_Dear Ron:_

_Hi, mate! Anything new at Hogwarts? Nothing really going on here, just going through therapy. They began with this weird thing where I don't even talk at all, just sit for a half hour, making faces to fit our mood. It was kind of awkward… Ha!_

_Anyway, I wanted to thank you for the pictures you found me. It definitely lightens up my room to see you, Hermione, and the others every morning when I wake up. I wanted you to know that I'm still doing that 'routine' we developed, with me writing things down and exercising and what not. I miss not having you here to talk, but writing to you is helping. _

_Well, I've got to go, it's almost lunch time, and they're serving some sort of sandwich or something. Anyway, they won't allow you to miss meals… _

_Write back soon, _

_Your friend,_

_Harry James Potter._

…………

_January 17, 1997_

_Hogwarts Library_

_Dear Harry:_

_Hey, Harry. Sad to report there is really nothing new at Hogwarts, except for the fact that you're not here. Miss you a lot. I hope that your therapy is going good. Wish I were there with you._

_Your welcome, I saw how you didn't like the plain grayness of it all… I'm happy that you're still doing the routine… I am too. Hermione sends her love, but is busy doing some homework. She says she'll drop a line with her own letter later. Sluggy is really packing on the homework, but I guess not as bad as before you left. Guess he has really no reason to because you're not there to be a smart ass. Ha. _

_Well, I guess I'd better get back to some homework… Sluggy can be a crabby bat when you don't get his stuff done. _

_Your best mate, _

_Ron Weasley._

…………

_February 23, 1997_

_London Clinic_

_Dear Ron:_

_Hey, Ron. I really enjoyed your last letter, with your vast describing of Sluggy's class without me. I laughed so hard, many of the other patients looked at me as if I'd gone mad. Don't blame them, I am pretty weird. _

_Yes, I have made some new friends. One girl, her name's Erin, reminds me a lot of Hermione, (which makes me miss Hogwarts even more) is here for her manic depression. You wouldn't be able to tell though. She's always cheery. Maybe that's a sign of the M. D. Also, there's a guy, Ian. He's nice, and is kind of like your brothers Fred and George. He's always playing tricks and such on the nurses here. Speaking of nurses, there's a special one here that mothers me around, like your mum. Her name's Eve. She has red hair and everything. This place is kind of like your house, always hectic, but welcoming._

_Anyway, they say my therapy is going good, they expect me to be out sooner than they originally thought (They thought at least a year, now they're toning it down to a couple of months, if I keep up _good behavior_). Yesterday, we talked about what had been going on in my life before. Also, they link some of my drug addiction to the Dursleys' and the fact that they didn't really care about me… Big surprise! Ha!_

_Well, I've got another session, just a depression one. Guess I'd better meet Erin and Ian. I'll write you later!_

_Miss you lots!_

_Harry James_

…………

_February 26, 1997_

_Gryffindor Common Room_

_Dear Harry:_

_Hey, Mate! I'm happy to hear about your friends. Everyone here misses you and says hello. HI, Harry! Miss you bunches! This is Seamus by the way. So are there any hot broads there? If there is…_

_Sorry about that. I had to smack Seamus to get my quill back. Anyway like I said, we all miss you!_

_As I told you, Valentines Day was a fiasco; Hermione still won't talk to me. I honestly didn't mean to 'blow her off', as she puts it, but I just don't like her that way… Anyway, she'll probably write you later, telling you how much of a jerk I am… I really don't care, I guess. _

_Guess whose getting married? Charlie and Roger! You remember I told you about him. They've been going steady forever and after like two years, Roger finally popped the question! Charlie was really flushed when he told us. I kind of… Had an idea of what they'd been 'doing'. I walked past Charlie's room and heard some noise. I think this was during Christmas Break… Sorry about forgetting to tell you. _

_Anyway, I've got to go and finish some of my Potions… Did you know I'm changing career tracks? Yeah, I'm going to be a Healer._

_Miss you lots!_

_Ron _

_Harry! Give me the number to this Erin broad you've been talking about! SEAMUS!_

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	5. Chapter 5

A/N: I don't own any of the characters except for the ones I mentioned last chapter. Some mentions of slash male/male, swearing, drugs, and depression...

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Chapter Five

_March 1, 1997_

_London Clinic_

_Dear Ron:_

_Happy Birthday Mate! Enclosed is your present, hope you like it… It took an act of Merlin to get someone to go with me into London so I could get it. It wasn't hard to find. Tell Seamus (again) that Erin is a lesbian, and only likes girls. Not boys who can dress in a dress and act like them. Ha!_

_The nurses and therapists are really proud of me, I'm doing a lot better than when I first was here and I've been clean for three months and five days! I'm counting down the days till I can come back and finish Hogwarts with you guys! I went back to the tutoring with Remus. He's really helping me to get ahead! I've learned to become an animungus, and I'm a… Ah, I can't say unless it gets intercepted. Remus's orders. I'll show you when I get back! You should ask if Remus will help you become an animungus! That'd be so cool!_

_Anyway, we talked about something new in my sessions today: Sexuality. They asked what mine was and I told them straight. They nodded, and kept asking questions as to what my relationships had been like. They haven't told me anything else, but to look at boys and girls more often, see what happens… Whatever that means. _

_They had some Ministry wizard come put up wards so I couldn't apparate away if I got really mad or scared or something, today. I guess that's for the best. But they can't stop me when the therapists tell me I'm free to go! Ha!_

_Well, I hope your birthday went well! I'm going back to my therapy sessions. I think it's one about sexuality again… I'll tell you more about it if I can later! _

_Your best mate,_

_Harry_

…………

_March 30, 1997_

_Hogwarts Grounds_

_Dear Harry:_

_Oh. My. God. This broom you got me is amazing! A _Firebolt_? Are you kidding me? I'm really thankful, but it must have cost a lot! Did I tell you how much I love you? … Wait, scratch that, I'm starting to sound a little too gay… _

_Do you know what Hermione did for my birthday? She had the house elves make me a cake, and then deliver it in the Great Hall during lunch. Just that morning, I'd gotten a cake from my mum too! I shared with everyone that night, trying to get rid of it all! My mum got me a whole bunch of quidditch gear for my birthday, but I suspect that Fred and George helped her out… Dad got me a muggle book, the author is really good. Ever heard of Stephen King? I got his book Carrie and it's really good. This muggle is really strange though…_

_All the professors are already giving us reviews and such, but I guess it's fitting because it's our N. E. W. T. year. I've got really good grades going on in potions, surprisingly. Sluggy is being really nice to me now… I've blown him off for several of his stupid parties…_

_Hermione sends her love, and I imagine she'll send a letter later too. But I've got to go, my new broom is itching for a riding. Thanks again, Mate!_

_Your best mate,_

_Ron_

…………

_April 17, 1997_

_London Clinic_

_Dear Ron:_

_Hello! Tell Hermione sorry about her letter, Hedwig had an accident with a hawk. We apologize for the blood. I know that she doesn't like the sight of it. _

_It's weird, but in my sessions I have with Amanda, my therapist, we only talk about my sexuality and my depression. Never really talk about the drugs or anything anymore. Hopefully that's good. _

_Ian got to leave here, the therapists say he's good enough for home. He still has to live with his mum for a year or so (He's twenty) and take a lot of medication for his depression. _

_Guess what? Four months and 13 days is how long I've been clean! They now allow me two hours at a local library and I've been going there, sometimes reading to a kid, or helping them with homework. It's fun._

_Well, I got to go. Another therapy session, and then I'm off to bed._

_Your best mate,_

_Harry_

…………

_April 23, 1997_

_Boys' Dorms_

_Dear Harry:_

_How's it going, Mate? Hermione sent you something big and bulky the other day… I have a sneaky impression that it's some more of her knitting. Hopefully she used magic, otherwise they'll probably look like big blobs. Ha! _

_I'm really proud of you, mate! Four months! That's really good! _

_I listened to that CD you bought me on that new player, it's really great! I never thought that muggles could be so creative. Course that's what you get when all you listen to is The Weird Sisters and The Trolls all your life. System of a Down, huh? They're really interesting. How does that one bloke go so high? Huh… Thanks for the CD!_

_Well, I think I'll go listen to System of a Down in the library and try to get my homework done. Hopefully I'll see you soon!_

_Your best mate,_

_Ron_

…………

_May 1, 1997_

_London Clinic_

_Dear Ron:_

_Hey! In the next week or so, you'll get a surprise! I miss you a lot! Don't reply back!_

_Your best mate,_

_Harry_

…………

I held his latest letter in my hand. Today was the twelfth and he hadn't written, and we hadn't heard anything from the clinic, so I assumed that this was a good surprise. Still, I was worried.

Hermione and I were sitting in the common room, she reading and I being restless. Suddenly I stood and started to pace, making a rut in the floor in front of the fire. I played with the necklace Harry had given me, and I felt the lion stretch under my touch. I smiled sadly and continued to pace. Hermione watched me for a moment, a small smile on her face that was at the same time sad. She knew. She knew just how much I pined for him.

It was almost eight o'clock at night and I had given up in pacing, telling Hermione good night and heading to my dorm. When I got up there I stood in front of my bed for a moment before bending down and searching around blindly with one hand for the chess board. I finally found it and carefully lifted it onto my bed, without disturbing any of the pieces.

The ebony pieces yelled at me for leaving them down there for so long, but the ivory ones were silent, knowing Harry wasn't there. I ignored both sets of pieces and stood up, going to the window seat that overlooked the grounds. Moments later, I fell asleep.

…………

A/N: No, the letters that they wrote were not the only ones, but I did not have enough room or patience for all of the letters I'm sure they would have written over five months or so... Anyway, keep reading!


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: I don't own any of these characters except John. Some mentions of drugs, swearing, and male/male pairings. If you are uncomfortable with male/male pairings (And I don't know how you'd read this far if you were), I suggest not reading this chapter, because I go heavy on... Sex with this chapter. Last chapter!

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Chapter Six

About a half hour later, I jerked awake, but I'm not sure why. Maybe because of the nightmare that I'd just been having. I dreamed about the Department of Mysteries for what seemed the thousandth time since it had happened. I looked down at my arms and chest where the scars were from the brains that had wrapped themselves around me. I shivered and looked away to the window. The sun was starting to go down, and I watched the color change from blue to orange.

"Hey you, are you just going to watch the sunset or are we going to finish this game of chess?" My eyes widened and I jerked around, finding Harry in the door way, holding a nap sack and a slight bulge in his pocket held his shrunken trunk. It couldn't be possible… But it was. I grinned and stood, welcoming him back by hugging him. He hugged me back, mumbling "I missed you so much," into my shoulder.

I released him and he dropped his stuff by his bed. I looked to the dusty chess set and grinned as he sat down across from the ebony pieces, waiting for me to sit too. I sat down, watching him as he looked across the board.

"So, Harry what's been happening?" I asked as I moved my second pawn to match his. He shrugged.

"Nothing really. Erin died a couple weeks ago. She killed herself, and that's when the therapists started to do heavy duty check ups on me and Ian. That helped Ian out faster and it did the same for me…" He trailed off as he moved his pawn to take mine.

I nodded, moving my own pawn to take one of his. "Have you been having withdrawals?" I asked, watching as he moved his knight forward. He nodded.

"Some for drugs, some for you." He said, looking up at me and I grinned.

"Aw, did ickle Harry miss me?" I said, pouting out my lip and he laughed.

"You know I did. You just want to hear me say it." He replied back, watching as I took his knight with my pawn. "Ah, didn't see that one…" He mumbled. I grinned.

"You know you can't play chess." He met my eyes and glared, growling.

"Okay. If I win you have to be my slave for a week. If I loose…" He trailed off and I laughed.

"If you loose, you have to kiss me." I said this before it ran through my mind and I almost smacked myself. He watched me for a moment before nodding.

"All right." He replied.

And so the game went on. I grew nervous with every move, trying not to win, but at the same time, longing for him to kiss me. I don't know why I was so nervous. We'd almost done it before. Maybe because of how long ago it was that we almost done it. In his letters he wouldn't talk about what he talked about in his sexuality sessions, and it made me more curious.

Finally we were down to Harry's king and his rook, and my king and my queen. I moved my queen to his king, setting it in check. He scowled heavily and I swallowed thickly. He moved his king once and I moved my queen to follow. He moved again and I followed him. Finally, I shakily said, "Checkmate," and his king threw the crown down at my queen's feet. Harry looked to me, eyes calculating. I swallowed again. His green eyes were watching me and suddenly, he pushed the board off of the bed and crawled towards me.

I could feel my heart beating a hundred miles per hour and I swallowed again, backing up slightly. Finally, I hit my headboard and could go no further. Harry crawled over to me like a cat, his left hand coming to rest in between my legs, right before my crotch and his right hand coming to my side, brushing my hip. I stared at him, trying to control my breathing. Harry moved closer, his breath grazing my cheek. We stared at each other a moment longer, Harry coming closer. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, his lips found mine, and I closed my eyes.

He bit my lip, and I opened my mouth, our tongues colliding. Pure ecstasy exploded throughout my body and I raised my hand to run my hand through his thick shaggy hair. When I could no longer breathe, I pulled away, in a sort of daze. I exhaled and looked him in the eyes. He smiled at me and I smiled back. "I've never done that before." I whispered.

"Me either," He replied, "Want another go? Against the wall?" I grinned.

"You're dirty, Harry James…" I said as I nodded, helping him up and then pushing him against a wall. His eyes held mischief and he laughed as I brought my hands upwards from his thighs. "You like that?" I whispered, entangling my hands with his and pushing up against him into the wall.

Harry replied, "Yes," breathlessly. I grinned and kissed him slowly, teasing him and pushing up against him every once in a while. Finally, groaning impatiently, he pushed back, forcing me to turn and be against the wall. I laughed when he pulled away for breath and he glared. "You're laughing?" I nodded, trying to sober up. He gave a small 'hmmph!' and kissed my neck, then my collar bone. He kept going down, unbuttoning my shirt, one button at a time. I stared down at him as he finally reached my belt and pants. He grinned up at me as he fumbled with my buckle. I put my hand on his and swallowed.

"Harry… Wait…" I looked to the door. He looked too and nodded.

"Wanna go somewhere private?" He asked. I nodded and helped him up, leading him to the bathroom, locking and putting silencing spells on the door. Harry grinned as I put my wand away. He pushed me against the door again, and I groaned as he started to suck on my collar bone.

He made his way downwards again, this time, giving me little hickies all over my chest. I could feel the great lion move slightly to get away from Harry's mouth. Finally, he stopped just before my jean line, kissing it. I exhaled and tried my best not to tell him to hurry. It felt so good.

Again, he started to fumble with my belt buckle and I helped him. Then my zipper went, along with my pants and boxers, and then… pure pleasure. He licked and sucked, then sucked harder and then licked. I came into his mouth and he swallowed it. I kicked off my shoes and my pants, looking at Harry in lust. He gave me a 'come and get me' grin and I pounced on him, kissing him again.

He lay under me on the tiled floor, I unbuttoning his shirt. I ripped off his jeans and threw them across the room by mine. I trailed kisses along his chest leading downward. I got off of him for the briefest of moments and then thrust myself into him. He gave a hiss of pain, but I kept going, seeing him clawing at the floor. I went slowly at first, but he begged me to go faster. So I did. Faster and faster. Harder and harder. I could feel myself about ready to come, and he was moaning on the ground. Finally he came and I did too.

We did it again, this time, him on top. After we were done, we took a shower together, kissing each other whenever we could. We did it once in there too. After our shower, we got our bed clothes and sat in our beds, right across from each other. Seamus, Dean, and Neville came up, ready for bed, and looked at us. We grinned at them and bade them good night. But not before winking at each other.

…………

_Hermione's Epilogue_

The day that Harry got back was saddening for me. Ron had told me he was gay after Valentine's Day, and that he was in love with Harry. He'd told me once before, but I guess I didn't take him seriously... When I saw Harry enter the common room, I waited for him to come to me. He waved at me and hugged me when he finally made it over. I grinned and hugged back, welcoming him. Then I told him Ron was waiting for him upstairs. He gave me an odd look, but I shook my head, telling him Ron needed him. He had nodded.

Later on, I took out the Marauder's Map that Harry had never asked for, and found Harry and Ron very close in the lavatory. I smiled, but I couldn't tell you if it was a happy smile or not.

The next day, they told me they were going out and I congratulated them, even though I was scared that they'd leave me out… that I'd just be the third wheel. But they reassured me I wouldn't and that I was still their little sister. I had smiled then.

Now, they're married. They've adopted a little girl and I get to watch Lily Elizabeth now and then. She's just barely seven months. I'm pregnant with my own, with a great guy John. He's a wizard from America and Harry finds him interesting because he was in a heavy metal band. I just laugh because Ron gets steamed about Harry askingJohn questions.

I admit it, it did kind of hurt when Harry and Ron told me they were in love and they were getting married. It hurt worse when Ron told me he didn't want me because he was in love with our other best friend. But I'm glad he blew me off. I'm really happy. Now, Harry's an Auror, Ron's a Healer, and I work in Hogwarts. I'm the Potions professor. Johnis starting a new band. And I'm almost ready to…

My water just broke! Oh my God… JOHN!

_End_

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A/N: Once again, don't sue, I don't own any of the characters except John, Roger, Amanda, Erin, and Ian. If you didn't catch it, this is a slash story. Anyway, review if you like, flames, praises, comments, whatever! I did this more for me, anyway. Thought I'd post it though.


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